Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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