I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
