made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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