I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
