watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
