My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She tied me up with her honor cords...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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