I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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