no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
