Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
