Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
