Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
