Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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