some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize