It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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