genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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