Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
