Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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