she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
