it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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