A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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