Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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