I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
