Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
