Your face is a jimmy john
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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