im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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