I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
