My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
