So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
