i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
