I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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