I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
