just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
