the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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