I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
