Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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