she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
