I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
