That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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