I must be too annoying 4 u.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
