if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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