so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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