Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I need moral support for this bender
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
