Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
