He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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