What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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