i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
