We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
