Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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