i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
