Just fell off a train. Bad.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
