from now on my penis is your penis
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
