My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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