Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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