I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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