fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
