just tell him i said nine months
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
