I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
