I wanna bring you to show and tell
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
