I wish I could teleport
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize