You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
